today is day 8 of national novel writing month (NANOWRIMO), and i only have about 2500 words. i’m not sure what 1667 x 8 is, but that’s the word count i’m “supposed” to have today!! i have a feeling that i’m nowhere close–haha…anyway, i’m working on a story that i started 18 years ago (OMG, has it really been that long???), that centers around two college friends, both holding on tightly to secrets. there’s a murder, of course, and other mayhem, but i can’t figure out the “so, what” of the story. back a long time ago when i first started my tale, i’m sure there was a purpose. i know i was trying to tell what happened between friends who wanted to trust each other but couldn’t due to the dysfunction of their childhoods. and how their lives merged so tightly that it was difficult to tell them apart. life got in the way of my story, though. i started grad school, worked hard to be a decent mom to jake, and wondered why i felt so bad about my story–it was just hanging around, waiting for me.

i think a bad breakup with a girl-friend is a thousand times worse than a bad breakup with a boyfriend/spouse, so maybe my story is also a mea culpa for losing a friend i dearly loved.. there’s so much that the person knows about you–intimate thoughts, beliefs, insecurities–what if she used it against you? that person knows you better than you know yourself many times, and most likely, you’ve told the friend more about yourself than you’d ever dream of telling a dude (even a husband–maybe…).  the difficulty  for me in this particular relationship, however, could be found in the fact that my friend, her boyfriend, and the dude i was dating at the time were inseparable. this new boy started by accident, though–i listened to my friend rather then my heart, and ruined a perfectly, wonderfully, meaningful relationship in the process. my friend never saw this as a problem even as she judged me several years later for betrayal and being false…a total alanis morrisette song!

so, what does this have to do with anything, especially NANOWRIMO? hmmm…how about the fact that i don’t want to write drama!! i have too much freaking drama in my life–I WANT FUN! HUMOR! NICENESS!!! where are those stories? how come i can be somewhat humorous on this silly old blog, but when it comes down to my personal writing, all i get on the paper is mean, old, crappy, crap? am i not funny? have you not read some freaking funny things on here?? that’s what i thought. i totally need to find my funny side again. i mean, getting through your teenage years is hard; does everything you surround yourself with HAVE to be dramatically tragic? forget the fact that my favorite genres to read are ghost stories, mysteries, and gothic dystopian horribleness. i can enjoy that type of thing, but necessarily have to write it, do i?

maybe the universe is just paying me back for some wrong i committed in another life. i don’t know what i could have done, especially since i think bad things have happened to me more than something i’ve personally done. but who knows? i have to get back to my story and figure out the “so what”–and the “who cares.” caring about a story is important for an author–i need to care about the characters without necessarily identifying myself as one or both of them (the friends). but i was in a totally different place when i started this tale. can i get back there? can i get the story out, but make it funny? can i not make it a shakespeare tragi-comedy???? does it HAVE to be a sophocles-oedipus tragic-hero tale? it can be whatever i want, right? i mean, i’m the author!

well, unless lily gets involved and starts throwing out random sentences and gets me all flustered. anyway, wish me luck. and you can do that by….LEAVING A COMMENT!! no comment, none of the gazillion dollars from my advance when i sell the book!! haha…..