i’ve come to the conclusion today that girls need two very distinctive, yet important, devices in their lives in order to be blissfully chipper. before i actually define and describe these things, let me give some background. i’m attending a conference this weekend in winston-salem; lots of people are pretending they know much more about teaching than others. in a nice way, of course! for the most part, i like going to conferences because i get to learn new information and stay in a hotel (haha…). this time, however, i’m noticing that teachers across the state basically do the same sorts of strategies, and i haven’t really picked up any new ideas. the notes i’ve taken just keep repeating the refrain: i already do this. (!) so, i hear the universe telling me that i’m a decent teacher who should be sharing ideas with larger audiences. i HEAR the universe…i’m not sure i’ll DO anything about it!! haha…

speaking of the universe’s mystical messages, in one of the sessions at the conference today, i realized the two things a girl needs: fake boobies & a gay-guy friend. i know, i know…steph, you’re crazy. you’ve gone off the deep end on this one. well, let me tell my reasons. which to tell first….hmmm…..let’s take the gay-guy friend. i’ve already posted about lafayette  on true blood, so i’ve established the groundwork for the gay dude. i’d prefer the black gay friend because he could help his white friends cross that racial divide–sort of cross both worlds, if you will (NOT, however, help white girls pretend they are black because that is SO my pet peeve!). he can help you be cool in the funny way only black people can be. you know what i’m talking about, but here’s an example from the session today. the presenter was talking about teaching vocabulary, and how she names a weekly “word nerd” for kids who make the highest grade on the quiz. the people who don’t teach middle school started laughing, and she said, well, you can change the name, and the cool gay dude goes: “yeah, they can be the “word-pimp”!” haha…we all burst out laughing, of course, because it was absolutely riotous!! so then throughout the rest of the presentation, he kept referencing the pimpiness of his new vocabulary strategies and dollar tree bling necklaces he plans to buy when he gets home. i don’t know….there’s just something great about a dude who whistles all his /s/ words…it’s not a feminine way of speaking, but distinctive with some gay dudes that i find hilarious–i hope i don’t offend anyone with my description, and i’ve been looking for a craig shoemaker video clip where he “does” the voice, but i can’t find his “mr. erase” clip!!

the second thing a girl definitely needs is some fake boobies. i say this because one of the presenters today had some, and they were quite distracting. no wonder some guys become boob-itized…because, oh. my. god!….i couldn’t take my EYES off those damn things!! she was not dressed provocatively at all, but damn! ’em was some freaking big ‘ens!!! big ‘ens that NEVER moved, even when she was jumping around the room demonstrating some vocab techniques! i decided that her fake ones made her much happier and outgoing. she was very quick with comebacks and quips and conversations with several people in the group; it made me take stock of the way i have no idea how to engage in small talk, so i don’t meet new people easily. if i had some fake ones, though, i’ll bet i’d be much more self-confident. i mean, i wouldn’t be a fat-fatty anymore; no, i’d be “buxom”!!! i could throw them things out in front of me when i walk and not worry about them bouncing up and hitting me in the mouth. i might even smile a little more because when i bought a brazier, it’d be a huge size, but no one would think it was because of my fatness: only my big old boobies. no more hunching; no more buying shirts two sizes too big to hide my fat pockets.

of course, i think i might have to decrease the size of my fake boobies. maybe to a “C” cup. i saw the mayor of las vegas once at a fundraiser (i can’t remember her name), but she had good boobs. of course, she’d had breast cancer and had them redone, but they turned out very nice. i was totally jealous–NOT that i want breast cancer as a chance to get reconstructive surgery or anything, but if i did get a boob job, i think i’d make mine look like hers. the chick today was just too big! and she said the most ironic sentence ever in the history of ironic sentences: “the one thing i’ll say about a school dress code is at least i don’t have to look at girl’s boobs.” i mean, i almost burst out laughing because she was so flipping serious, and all i’d been doing for that session was try NOT to look at her freakingly huge fake big ‘uns!!!!


wish me luck tomorrow and pray i don’t have to repeat my boob-viewing!