up until now, i’ve pretty much censored myself (unbelievable, i realize….). censored as in, i’m not sure who’s reading, so what if i don’t want certain people to know certain things i particularly think? i attended a teacher “spa” last november, and the visiting author said she absolutely thought twice about what she wrote once she found out her mother was reading her blog.

today, though, i decided that if my mother is reading my blog, then she needs to know what i think. maybe if she sees it in print, it will mean more–be more real–be true. and that is important because if she reads it on the internet, then she KNOWS it’s true!! i mean, she got these emails from a guy in south africa who really needed some help, and she was the only one who could help him. she emailed him several times and, until he blew her off, she was all ready to bail him out monetarily. and one of my favorite stories of mama and the internet was when she read something in the news about prez bush doing something horrible (and totally unbelievable), but, because it was reported on an online newspaper, it was absolutely true. nevermind the fact that i hadn’t heard about it from chis matthews or joe scarbrough….nope, it wasn’t until i looked at the story, saw it was from THE ONION, and showed her the story of the 2-headed baby prime minister that she decided the prez bush story might have been faked.

so, here’s the truth: mama’s gone chick-batty!!!

the exchange that threw me over the edge:

lily: mamaw, how come you moved back to milkey?

me: lily, let’s talk about something else. that’s “big-girl” stuff, and mommy can’t explain it right now.

my chick-batty mother: no, it’s okay. lily, mamaw did something bad and i had to move away. i can’t stay here anymore. just make sure you never do anything bad so this doesn’t happen to you.

me: (in my head) BANG!! BANG!!!! BANG!!!! DIE, MUTHAF*****R!!!!!!

sorry, there’s no easy way to get this off my chest. i don’t want sympathy. i don’t want condolences. i wish i could have my mama back, though. she used to be an okay person.

or maybe i’m making that up. maybe she’s always been this selfish and self-righteous and self-medicating. maybe i just chose not to see it. i would have had a LOT of practice. she taught me oh, so well, to delude myself about reality. what was in front of my eyes, what i could hear, what i could touch (or, what may have been touching me) was just an illusion. even if i wrote it down in a journal, i’d obviously made it up. blue was never blue. pain was only for the weak of faith.  people i loved who left were never really gone.

i’ve had  enough. jake’s going to college, lily is extremely verbal, kev doesn’t hit. i made out okay without her. i’ve learned different coping strategies. i suppose our relationship in her twilight years will be some sort of combination of love and hate. she’s certainly got the hate on me right now!!!!

oh well….can’t wait for poetry friday!!! anyone have a poem suggestion? i’m hearing one in my head from my uncle tommy (RIP)….there was an old woman from nantucket/ who faithfully carried a bucket / and into it she sang/ at the top o’ her lungs/my daughters can all just suck it!!

haha…..haha…..haha…..man, that totally sucked!!! hahahahahahaha….so, your job, oh silent readers, is to write your own limerick or poem and post it… we’ll make poetry friday interactive!! yea!!!!!