when i put this search term into google (traditional relationships between southern mothers & daughters), i get 744,000 hits. you know what this means??? that i’m not the only southern daughter whose mommy won’t cut the cord!! it’s been 14 days since i cut my mutha-cord (with mine, not the one i share with the jakester or the lily-bell). she’s been living with me since 2004. i just made kev do the math (cuz i totally suck at math), and he said that meant she’s been here for 6 years.

6 YEARS!!!!!!

i don’t like sending her back to my childhood home. it’s a haunted place that she should have sold many years ago (and i think the fact that she hasn’t followed through with a sale says a lot, doesn’t it?) unfortunately, she left me no choice with her actions a few weeks ago–they just brought up too many hidden grudges –freud might even call it repressed anger!! (see what a degree in psychology can do for ya???). i don’t like that she’s in her early 60s and is alone; or that she really has no work or way to earn income. i don’t like the choice that she’s made to go back “home” rather than find an apartment closer to me or one nearer my sister. but those things are her choices.

the problem, and this is where cutting the cord comes into play, is that she’s doing everything in her power to blame me, make me feel guilty, and use what she’s “done” for me as a reason why i’m in the wrong. and, ultimately, it boils down to me going against my raisin’–meaning, i wasn’t raised to leave a family member in the cold when he/she has a problem. i should even harbor a fugitive if it means my family member jailbird would get in trouble (seriously, this is what she said to me!). she would “never do this” to me….never. she would never confront me with a problem (she hasn’t); she would never ask me to leave her home because i was hurting myself (she hasn’t done this to anyone); she wouldn’t leave me without money or a vehicle (this, actually is a pretty big lie).

i can’t keep going like this. i definitely need a freaking therapist. are there any who aren’t totally cracked in the head? if you’re a therapist, could you please reveal yourself–or, if you know of a fairy godmother who’s out of work or under-employed, how about sending her my way….it’d be nice to get this crap out of my head.

for, seriously, i think i might be going out of my mind. i’m starting to hallucinate about childhood fears (keep hearing fights outside, doors slamming, and worries about getting shot while i’m outside). i can’t write about this because what if someone saw it? what if someone used it against me? and how would i explain this situation to myself???

oh, god….i need a drink!!