jake had to set me straight tonight…i had a fight with lily when i was trying to get her to sleep (okay…can you seriously fight with a 3-year-old?)..i had read her a story and gone into the living room to write some lesson plans and maybe type some more of my “novel”…she of course wouldn’t stop crying or being a pain.   i finally went to check on her and she had made a horrible mess on the nightstand. she told me it was strawberry cake with ice cream, but it looked like spoiled milk and rainbow goldfish crackers. i started yelling and throwing things while simultaneously trying to clean up. but i couldn’t get anything out of my way, so i started throwing bigger things…i ended up breaking the lamp and pushing lily out the door to sleep with her grandmother–but not before i told her i was leaving and that she did all those things because she hates me and i’m  a bad mother.

during this time, jake started pacing. he was downstairs then he’d go upstairs–two or three times. finally, he came down, got an apple, and went to the top of the stairs where my ears were filled with his biting and chewing–something i was loath to do to SOMEONE myself!!!! just when i was about to bite his head off for furthering my aggravation, he came down, turned a chair toward me and said: “you know, there’s medication for your anger issues.”

it was very hard not to roll my eyes at a 17 y/o telling me how i should and should not behave. very hard. but i didn’t. i let him talk and let him make me see the error of my ways–because i was wrong. i acted like a spoiled brat having a temper tantrum, not a parent who was in charge. i do this on occasion–act like a child. i think it’s because i really don’t have any coping skills. all i want to do is cry and scream about the world not giving me a fair shake. but when i do that, what is it teaching jake? when he gets upset, his behavior is pretty much a mirror of mine. i’ve told my sister several times that jake acts like an abused kid even though he’s totally not and never has been. but, until this particular moment, it never occurred to me that my dysfunction has bled into him. even after all the effort i’ve put into not being alcoholic, abusive, or addicted to drugs/drama, or divorced, i’ve transferred my coping mechanisms to him–he only knows how to react in my dysfunctional ways.

so, i’m taking my cool kid’s advice and calming down. a least a little. i hope he appreciates it.